I don’t know how to deal with death. I don’t know how to react to it. I don’t know what the proper response according to proximity should be. When Denyse and Charlie passed in October I felt that the amount of sadness I felt was almost inappropriate. I wasn’t best friends with them, I didn’t seem them on a daily basis. I wasn’t going to feel any immediate hole on my day to day. But they had both been immeasurably good to me in very different and important ways. The idea of them just ending, that their existence just stopped, and so unfairly just really broke my heart.

I don’t know how to face what my aunt is going through. I don’t know if I’ll get to say goodbye or how to even do so. I can’t imagine what my cousins are dealing with and I just feel so sad for them. Mary is probably the nicest person in our family and it kills me that they’ve always lived so far away. I just feel so fucking sad. I don’t know how to approach this. I don’t know what is appropriate to feel.